"What are you doing here?"

[TechnoEngineer]

Yesterday a couple of us were paddling on a small tributary to "The Cut", which goes through Bray, near Maidenhead.

On one side of the river we say hi to a man mowing his lawn. On the other some posh lady comes out and asks, "What are you doing here"?

I replied "Sightseeing".
"This is private property, you're not allowed here".
"Yes your property is private, but no-one owns the water. Thankyou.".

Afterwards we thought of all sorts of humourous replies as alternatives to "Sightseeing", and wondered what creative ideas there are on UKRGB ;)

[morsey]

"Calm down dear, the war is over, we are canoeing not invading!"

[p.r.unicycles]

In my unicycling days, the replies to heckles were very important;
"were's your other wheel?" - "lost it in the divorce"
"Look there's two!" - "It used to be a tandem"

Never run into the same problem with kayaking.

[Ollie5]

I used to live near there and those houses are in an exclusive rd. Parky, and I think Ernie Wise? Live or lived in Ernies case.

[Adrian Cooper]

Lookin' at you lookin' at me.

[twopigs]

"If I told you I'd be in breech of the Canoe England communications policy."

[scottdog007]

.........."This is private property, you're not allowed here".
"Yes your property is private, but no-one owns the water. Thankyou.".

Ha ha, well done. Those are seriously expensive properties in that area. I bet they do believe they own the water. You didn't see Michael Parkinson cutting his grass did you? Because he lives somewhere around that area.

[Dr Robin]

...some posh lady comes out and asks, "What are you doing here"?

I replied "Sightseeing".
"This is private property, you're not allowed here"...

Out of interest, have other people had this kind of reaction from a member of the general public? I've been confronted by angry fisherman before, but I've never been harassed for floating past someone's garden. Is this common? In my experience people almost invariably smile and wave.

[mark Hirst]

I was happily getting on the kent when a man out walking his dog in his wellies and best tweeds asked me

"where are you from" With an angry tone in his voice

I paused smiled and said Manchester

Then I paddled away

[Big Henry]

"where are you from" With an angry tone in his voice

When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much...

[Mantaray]

...some posh lady comes out and asks, "What are you doing here"?

"Ah. The eternal existential question..."

[alexpethybridge]

If you every bother kayaking downstream of the usual get-out for the Erme you'll meet a lovely lady who dislikes people using 'her' river. We were four 15 year old boys swimming in the Erme under a bridge (near Keaton if you're local) and were told by her "to get out of the river, because it's my river and people come along and say, what a pretty river, and its people like you who spoil it" At which point my friend said "can you prove you own the river". She didn't like that very much but to save my mate problems (his parents rented a house from this woman) we left. We did like the fact that apparently we spoil things just by being there, a rare and valuable talent by all accounts.

Luckily for her the stretch of river she 'owns' contains an old weir and some very flat water, so people don't tend to bother her.

Edit: In answer to the original question the first thing I said was "swimming".

[Dave Thomas]

"If I told you I'd be in breech of the Canoe England communications policy."

or even in breach of it.

[waverley610]

I'm researching a chapter for my soon to be published book Pub Paddles Vol 2,
The Lager Lover's guide to lesser known party spots of The Thames Valley

[Joel Perkin]

I've had problems when I was younger paddling down the river Tavy, there are some really posh houses in that area and some really snobby people. Once got told I was scaring a womans horses while playing on a weir! I personally think that we make the rivers look more interesting.

[Jim]

...some posh lady comes out and asks, "What are you doing here"?

I replied "Sightseeing".
"This is private property, you're not allowed here"...

Out of interest, have other people had this kind of reaction from a member of the general public? I've been confronted by angry fisherman before, but I've never been harassed for floating past someone's garden. Is this common?

I don't know if it is common but there is an element of it elsewhere.
One of the key negotiations for the Tyne tour each year involves pretty much exactly that situation, one of the homeowners doesn't want paddlers loitering near their garden. Another of them is or was a paddler so you can get opposite reactions in adjacent gardens if you look closely enough!

I also seem to recall being warned about a particular section of the upper upper Bristol Avon which runs through a film director's back garden (both banks), as it happened we didn't see anyone which was good because I didn't fancy the dodgy weir so made a hasty portage keeping as low as possible in case there was any truth in rumours of shotguns being discharged near strangers....

[Mikers]

"Chasing my pet crocodile, he's slipped his leash again. About 12' long, answers to the name of Snappy. Haven't seen him have you?"

[Ricks-Freestyle-Mind]

"...dogging"

[Big Henry]

"Looking for skinny dipping venues. Actually this looks quite nice. I don't mind an audience if you want to hang around."

[Mark Gawler]

We were accosted by a gentleman with a labrador* when getting on the Devon Avon, as part of the Plym, Avon, Erm and Upper Dart "Grand Slam". The gentleman received the retort "Sorry I'd love to chat, but we have a scheduled to keep".

[*]Beware of the dog

[Mikers]

"I should ask you the same question! I wish to enjoy this public navigation without interference from the banks. Now away with you little woman, go on, shoo!"