Your best kayaking putdowns

[Dave Manby]

Dominic Gribbon doing a lecture on his trip to Eastern Turkey
"Then the kids started throwing stones at us on the river..>"
Audience member (and one time expedition paddler).
"Just like being in N Wales then"
General audience laughter then the best put down of the heckler by another audience member
"How would you know ********" (Name deleted to protect the guilty)

Much audience laughter.

[morsey]

Ranger "You know there is no agreement"
Me "I know, nothing for you to enforce!" :-)

[Croft]

Jobsworth: You can't paddle on this reservoir - it's a nature reserve! (Barrage de la Grand Dixence)

Frustrated kayaker: Well that 250 m-high wall of concrete don't look so natural to me!

(PS: I got my coat)

[Tom_Laws]

Been writing some for Lowri, so you betta check yo'self brother. (They might come in handy for Friday night's presentation/unveiling of the Welsh Rivers II )

[Pete C.]

Don't get too hung up on the verbal side - the battle format can get physical too. You might find a bit of inspiration here:

Battle tips for new bboys and bgirls

[morsey]

When you get to the bottom of the rapid, and all is good, give us a thumbs up. Oh Sorry I forgot you're from Norfolk, wave your paddle instead!

[Tom_Laws]

Don't get too hung up on the verbal side - the battle format can get physical too. You might find a bit of inspiration here:

Battle tips for new bboys and bgirls

Been practicing - Not Safe For Work - Literally - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tp4wEewrQdU

[feelingjustfine]

If you simply observe how our dearly beloved french prick Pierre acts towards most people on rivers (and life for that matter) when he is in a grotty mood then that should give you good inspiration of how to put people down and make them feel bad about themselves...

Of course you always have the token "whats the worst thing about paddling c1?......Having to tell your mum that you're gay!"

[Jim]

Don't get too hung up on the verbal side

That's right you can do it without saying a thing, like the time I wrote PTO on the bottom of your boat :-)

[Pete C.]

Don't get too hung up on the verbal side

That's right you can do it without saying a thing, like the time I wrote PTO on the bottom of your boat :-)

I'd forgotten about that - feel free to let Roo know any tips and tactics!

We've got seven of our eight combatants confirmed:

• Pete Catterall: Below and beyond Mount Kenya vs. Lowri Davies: Rumble in the Jungle – three weeks in Colombia
  
• Sara James: Get up and go – travels with a kayak vs. Andy Evans: Dabbling and Babbling – following the crowd
  
• Peter Wood and Tom McLay: Laos, the Mekong and culinary delights vs. TBC
  
• David Fairweather: An Indian Easter – exploring Uttrakhand vs. Chris Eastabrook: I left my boat in West Papua

And you can see all the DRF Talk Battle details here.

[Dave Manby]

Don't get too hung up on the verbal side

That's right you can do it without saying a thing, like the time I wrote PTO on the bottom of your boat :-)

I'd forgotten about that - feel free to let Roo know any tips and tactics!

We've got seven of our eight combatants confirmed:

• Pete Catterall: Below and beyond Mount Kenya vs. Lowri Davies: Rumble in the Jungle – three weeks in Colombia
  
• Sara James: Get up and go – travels with a kayak vs. Andy Evans: Dabbling and Babbling – following the crowd
  
• Peter Wood and Tom McLay: Laos, the Mekong and culinary delights vs. TBC
  
• David Fairweather: An Indian Easter – exploring Uttrakhand vs. Chris Eastabrook: I left my boat in West Papua

And you can see all the DRF Talk Battle details here.

Chris - are you looking out Half Man Half Biscuit's song "I left my heart in Papworth general" as a backing track?

[sarajames]

Its good to hear you are practising your banter. I am somewhat nervous about talking at the Dee Festival, as despite being a teacher, I am not very familiar with speaking to a group of people without being constantly interrupted, argued with or generally ignored.

Every heckle you give me will only make me feel more at home . So bring it on :)

< runs off to hide >

[quicky]

Every heckle you give me will only make me feel more at home . So bring it on :)

Now there is a challenge :)

Few More:

You paddle worse than my nan, and she's been worm food for ten years...

Are you going to 'look' like a paddler or 'paddle' like one...

Your boat may be afriad of the water but you seem to embrace it...

are you going to get in your boat today or are you wild swimming?

and from my 10 year old...

Dad can't paddle like he used to... his bum is to big for his boat...

[DaveBland]

"You should take up fishing."

[Mark Mulrain]

"Here comes Michael Phelps"

[Big Henry]

"Here comes Rebecca Adlington"

[nomorfkindhalbhat]

A friend of mine when challenged by a fisherman " well how big is the average fish you catch ? and how big is its brain ? and how much time and money do you spend every year trying to catch one ?

[Dave Manby]

On the Ogwen.
Fisherman to paddlers "You shouldn't be on this river"
Paddler to Fisherman "You shouldn't be so fat"

[Tom_Laws]

Closest you've come to getting laid is paddling a Noah Playmate.

[SwamP]

"Its ok lads, Ryan's portaging this one today cause he's clearly on his period."

[leohoare]

"have you sided with the fishermen" ?

[hazey]

Isn`t this a form of bullying, that everyone is trying to discourage?

Ah, shut up or I'll beat you up.

love it

[C1-Dom]

Ah Mr Manby! How are things old chap? I remember the occasion well....even in my most family friendly Michael McIntyre mode I was lost for an appropriately reciprocal rebuff. What a rabble that audience was!!

Best

Dom

[Pyro]

I am not very familiar with speaking to a group of people without being constantly interrupted, argued with or generally ignored.

And we gave you plenty of practice at that in LUUCC. Nae kicking anyone in the nadgers this time though, eh? ;)

[Flo]

"I see, so the boat was just slowing you down then?"

[Voodoo]

" well done !, You managed to make that look realy diffcult "