Your best kayaking putdowns

[David Fairweather]

With the Dee River Festival Talk Battle looming large, I'm looking forward to some top quality insults, stories, and adventure-based freestyle banter being thrown about.

What are the best put downs you folk have heard on the river?

[DaveBland]

"Bland, you're shit" is pretty frequently heard.

[Bryn_420]

What's that guy from friends called....


David SWIMMER!!!

[DButler]

Oh my God. I can't believe you're a pro, I'm so much better than you.

[TheKrikkitWars]

Best used at the moment that someone looks really pleased with themselves: "Well you made it down, but I don't think anyone could say you styled that..."

[clarky999]

You swam out of a creeker on a man-made slalom course?? :O

[mitch]

Do you know who you're up against?

[Randy Fandango]

You could use an old classic: listen to what they have to say and then agree that they were both original and good.
Then point out that sadly the good points weren't original and the original points weren't good.
Boom boom.....
Giles :-)

[Tom_Laws]

The only brown you stomped is the dog crap you trod in on your way here.

I heard they call you Rush.... because you are finished quickly.

Starting to worry Dave? Don't worry, you'll be AMAZING.

[David Fairweather]

I can't wait. It's going to be like 8 Mile, right here in Llangollen.

[Dave Manby]

Ask Simon Westgarth about doing a lecture at London River Rats when it was at its best! All his newly learned Californian boater talk went down .......... you fill in the dots. In its day some of the best put downs I have heard or suffered were there.

[Dave T]

Now listen love...

[Simon Westgarth]

Ask Simon Westgarth about doing a lecture at London River Rats when it was at its best! All his newly learned Californian boater talk went down .......... you fill in the dots. In its day some of the best put downs I have heard or suffered were there.

Tom Law's can easily relate, as I told some chaps, after a little too much banter, I informed then that the Year 8 kids I had for Chemistry were some what funnier than they were, they were kind of quiet afterwards.

[peakfreak]

Now listen love...

Coffee on keyboard. This will haunt Rick forever :-))

[Canoe_princess]

"Whats the matter princess?" to an alpha male whose arse is nipping at the sight of a drop he has been saying is 'barely grade 3' all day.

[Jonny Briggs]

Your kayak is ashamed of what it's become.

[nutterboy]

some folk are embarrassed by their boat. your boat is embarrassed by you

[Bob Flanagan III]

Is it even worth you getting in that boat as that is just one more item you'll want us to rescue?

[morsey]

Nice Pungo!

[Kayakingrick]

Isn`t this a form of bullying, that everyone is trying to discourage?

[DaveBland]

Isn`t this a form of bullying, that everyone is trying to discourage?

Ah, shut up or I'll beat you up.

[steve4746]

My personal favourite,

You need to remove your penis and hand it back in to the man department!

Or the old classic,

How can I soar like an Eagle when I'm surrounded by Turkeys!!

Steve.

[nomorfkindhalbhat]

I can see your a great paddler.......................................................But unfortunatly no one has bothered to tell the river.

Ask Simon Westgarth about doing a lecture at London River Rats when it was at its best! All his newly learned Californian boater talk went down .......... you fill in the dots. In its day some of the best put downs I have heard or suffered were there.

Was at that lecture and can confirm it was one of the funniest nights ever, Mr westgarths ego against river rats seasoned hecklers, but have to give Simon his due here and at the end of the night you,d probably have to call it a draw !

[callum s]

"There is a can of 'Man the F**k Up' in the back of my boat if you want?"

[roo]

Isn`t this a form of bullying, that everyone is trying to discourage?

Do I say this before they get on and mess the line up OR afterwards?

Pow, Pow, Pow :-)

[David Foley]

I see your boat has been trained well...

[powereduppackman]

After a very long day where Paddler A refused to walk anything and kept getting nailed on every rapid. Paddler B was boarder line hypothermic as snow flakes the size of two pound coins fell in the Etive valley and a cold Scottish wind blew. Paddler B is not known for his sympathy...

Paddler A: What's the line on this one?
Paddler B: It doesn't matter, you're just going to $%&£ it up again!

I'm neither paddler and cannot condone this attitude obviously....but it was funny.

- Chris.

[Rdscott]

I was once told of you cant find your ownline dont paddle the rapid.(onlyon hard stuff where everyone is peers)

Your helmet has more scratches than the bottom of your boat you seem to forget where your head and your arse are.

[eeonz]

Nice line. Want to run it again, in your boat?

[Ken]

On a slightly different note, from a friend of mine.......

"Don't tell me how to swim, I'm a ******* expert!"